Taylor has been pretty grumpy lately (for good reason too) so I went last weekend for two days to cheer him up a bit. It was a normal morning when we woke up. We got up, took a shower, got dressed and went to Waffle House for breakfast. As we sat at Waffle House waiting for our food I asked, “Do you have tape at home?”
“I need to tell you something. Before I get into it, I want you to know the reason I am telling you this. I want you to save this or screenshot this or whatever it takes to hold onto this for a couple different reasons.
When you have days where you need a little extra lovin’, I want you to look at this. When we are in the midst of a disagreement, I want you to look at this. When I am deployed and gone and you haven’t heard from me in days or weeks, I want you to look at this.
You, my dear, are the absolute greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. Either there’s no scale of comparison or if I put you on a scale, nothing else comes close. You have been my rock, paper and scissors. When I needed someone to just bitch, moan and groan to, you have been there to listen. Whether it’s literally been just to hear and say nothing or to give advice, you’ve been there to lean on.
When I’ve felt broken or defeated, you’ve told me it’ll be okay and you’ve motivated me to push forward and you’ve held me together. When I’ve been wrong or been an asshole, you’ve been there to tear me apart (in a good sense) and make me grow as a man and mature and learn to admit when I am wrong.
I’m not going to lie, I think most people do this in relationships but I’ve searched for something about you that I don’t love and I haven’t found a thing. Not. One. Damn. Thing.
We have our disagreements, we have our fights, we have our near break ups but I wouldn’t trade it for the world and there is no other girl I’d rather struggle through life with than you.
I love that we don’t have everything in common. If we did, it’d be boring. We’d have nothing to introduce each other to.
I love your independence. I am more than willing to support you on anything you need but I love the fire inside you that drives you to support yourself.
I love your laugh. I remember the first time I heard it and fell in love with it. It was the first time you visited me in Charleston and that guy dropped his gas can on the expressway.
…You fit perfectly in my arms. I love your thighs. They are the perfect drumming pads when we’re jamming in the car. I love holding your hand and kissing your cheek in public. I want the world to know that I am the luckiest man alive to call you mine.
I love your dedication to me and my job. Your constant support and sacrifice is unwavering and I am undeserving yet everyday it’s there without hesitation.
I love your career progression. You are finding yourself and your purpose and fighting through all the obstacles that stand in your way.
I love that you are the strongest person in my life and in the world. You balance so many curveballs day in and day out but wake up every day ready to swing away.
I love that you are mine. I love that you are my definition of perfection and you are on my side. Through all the ups and downs, through the brutal fights from miles apart, I wouldn’t trade a second of it. I want to do everything there is to do, see everything there is to see in the world with you.
To summarize all of this in three words, I love you.”
Last week I was supposed to be at Disney World meeting Mickey Mouse for the first time in my life. However, Taylor’s graduation got pushed back so that plan flew right out the window. After that, we planned out this big road trip stopping at all the beautiful places we have always wanted to see before he gets deployed. I got time off from my job and I started making reservations for all the things we wanted to do. Taylor’s leave got pushed back a second time and the whole road trip went out the window….again.
I know exactly how you feel. You’re standing on your front lawn in your bare feet, the March sun beaming on your head. He’s walking away and all your left with is the Navy shirt that he got when he enlisted and your hand on your lips because he just kissed you for the first time…and last time for the next nine weeks of bootcamp. This moment that you are experiencing right now will be your first memory of being a military girlfriend. And that feeling you are having is going to become a normality in your life. The goodbyes are going to become a regular occurrence.
I was about to start teaching the first kickboxing class of the night when I got a text from Taylor saying, “Guess what?!”. I replied back with the usual, “What??!!” and waited for a response.
I walked up to the small black ledge in the corner of our studio where today’s workout is posted. I placed my phone on the ledge covered with old coffee stains and went to scan over the day’s work out when my phone buzzed.
I grabbed it and looked really quick, curious as to what Taylor was excited about…and then my heart dropped into my stomach.
Not the good kind of dropped either. Like the I’m going to puke kind. The “I really wish I had a time machine so I can go back and choose not to read that” kind.
I placed, or rather tossed my phone, back down on the old coffee stains and turned on to the mat and tried to be as happy and pleasant as I could for the members trying to take class. I didn’t think about what I read.
I stopped whole heartedly believing in God when my grandma died. I couldn’t understand how a being that apparently loved me so much would rip away one of the most important people in my life and in such a horrific manner at that. Now, don’t get me wrong, I still believe in some Christian teachings and I do believe in a higher power…just not quite sure if it’s what I originally thought “God” to be. I’m not sure I can call myself a full Episcopalian like I once was able to.
“We need to go to that beach one last time.”
For most people the beach is a place to lounge around at, sunbathe, swim in the ocean and spend a day with family or friends. For me and Taylor, I think Sullivan’s Island means a tad more.