When me and Taylor first started dating it was all rainbows and roses. Gifts were regularly sent to my house. Our letters to each other seemed like they were taken out of your favorite romance novel or movie. I woke up every morning to at least a three page text with words of how wonderful of a human being I am and how in love he is with me.
Then life started to set in and there went our “honeymoon” phase. No more random gifts and no gifts for even Valentine’s Day. The random cards in the mail started to dwindle. The long texts became just a few words.
I know Taylor still loves me. I can feel that even from 923 miles away but I thought that maybe I did something wrong or maybe I wasn’t as exciting as I once used to be when we first met.
I told Taylor my feelings and he was surprised and didn’t know why I would ever think anything like that. So, I was extra confused. I asked him why we stopped sending things to each other. Why I didn’t even get a card for Valentine’s Day. We are almost two years in now and he said he feels comfortable. I understood this. But it didn’t give me any relief. I am a pretty firm believer in you should never stop dating the one you love.
When I went in to see my social worker this month, I told her about the trouble I’ve been having with Taylor. She explained to me a theory called the five love languages. In this theory, each person has a “love language” or the primary way that they liked to be loved and how they show love: Receiving gifts, words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch and acts of service.
You can find out what language you are here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com
We quickly found out that my primary love language is words of affirmation and my secondary language is gifts.
Being a writer with a degree in communications, I was quite satisfied with my first love language. This made complete sense to me. My second love language made me mad at first. Gifts?! I am not greedy. I don’t care about money at all! Why was gifts my secondary language?
And besides that, what the hell was Taylor’s love language? I literally had no clue. So, I went on the hunt for some answers. Gary Chapman wrote a book on the five love languages and lo and behold there was a military edition! I bought it the next day and anxiously awaited its arrival.
When it came, I snatched it off the table and scurried up to my bedroom to read it for the rest of the night. I was texting Taylor asked him if he even knew what a love language was…
It was safe to say he didn’t know…but we thought physical touch…maybe. So, I read and read. The book was amazing. It gave great examples of other military couples and their perspectives and what went wrong in their relationships, how they fixed it, etc. I was told in decadent detail what each language was and the different dialects within each language. The best part was that at the end of each chapter there were different ways to appease a person with this love language and those ways were tailored to people in LDR’s, people who go months without seeing each other or even talking.
I quickly realized that I was totally a “gifts” kind of girl. I like symbolism and the thought behind things, not necessarily expensive diamonds or a new BMW. I felt I did something wrong because Taylor didn’t even send a card on Valentine’s Day. I felt beyond loved and thought about when he used to send me drawings, etc. It all made sense.
By the time I was finished reading the book, I was certain Taylor’s language was physical touch. His actions scream it. When we drive in the car, his hand is always drumming on my thigh. He’ll grab my hand randomly. At parties, he is never too far from me and always comes to look for me if it’s been awhile since we’ve seen each other. When he graduated from bootcamp he went to kiss me in front of his family and I freaked out because…well, because I was just meeting his family for the first time. He got upset. He loves back rubs when he is stressed. Those are only some of the signs. And the best part of this book was that it gave me unconventional ways to feed his love language even during deployments and ways for when he is home as well. Not only that, if physical touch is your love language, Chapman gives you ways to fill that void yourself when your military SO is gone.
This was the solution to our problem. I was trying to send Taylor cards and care packages and gifts when he needed to be loved in a different way. And Taylor was trying to love me in his love language. From now on, me and him are going to choose to love each other every day and do things every once in awhile to speak to each other in a way the other understands.
The book was structured in a way that categorized the information for it to make sense. It was informative, gave examples and ways to help fix your own relationship. It had a perspective on love that I had never really thought that much about or taken the time to learn.
If you want to read the book for yourself or check out more about it, click the link below!!