I was about to start teaching the first kickboxing class of the night when I got a text from Taylor saying, “Guess what?!”. I replied back with the usual, “What??!!” and waited for a response.
I walked up to the small black ledge in the corner of our studio where today’s workout is posted. I placed my phone on the ledge covered with old coffee stains and went to scan over the day’s work out when my phone buzzed.
I grabbed it and looked really quick, curious as to what Taylor was excited about…and then my heart dropped into my stomach.
Not the good kind of dropped either. Like the I’m going to puke kind. The “I really wish I had a time machine so I can go back and choose not to read that” kind.
I placed, or rather tossed my phone, back down on the old coffee stains and turned on to the mat and tried to be as happy and pleasant as I could for the members trying to take class. I didn’t think about what I read.
After about fifteen minutes, I taught my class what the first round would be, set the timer for them and jogged back to my phone with my heart still in my stomach. I had a few missed messages.
Most were from friends, telling me they saw Taylor’s Facebook post and asking me how excited I was. I wasn’t excited. I wasn’t happy. But I tried to be.
Then there were the ones from Taylor explaining to me that things were going to be okay and what his deployments plans were currently looking like.
Deployment? Now, I really felt like I wanted to puke. The great news was that Taylor is going to Hawaii. That he’d be deployed and live out of there. Great news for everyone besides me apparently.
I went on for the rest of the night and taught my classes and did my work. I went home emotionally and physically exhausted. When I walked in the door, my mom was sitting on a chair in the far corner of our living room. She looked up and exclaimed, “So! Hawaii, huh?” I dropped my purse and the groceries I had bought earlier in the day and started crying.
Now, I am sure that you are probably reading this and think I’m crazy. Who in their right mind wouldn’t want to go to Hawaii? Isn’t that everyone’s dream?
- Hawaii is far. Not only far, but extremely expensive. A round trip ticket is two weeks worth of work for me. I can’t get to him by car anymore.
- In the next year or so, I was planning to live with him. Buy that glorious one-way ticket that everyone talks about. But Hawaii is a far hike from Chicago where the other half of my heart resides…my family. I’m an only child. The rest of my family have passed away and some of the time it was unexpected passings.I value time and in a way I feel absolutely responsible for taking care of my parents. I want to give my parents grandkids and I want to start my life and get married and have a house and what not but it would tear my heart up if something happened to my parents and I couldn’t be there. Literally. I would not be able to live with myself. Therein lies the struggle. I can’t give myself and my parents what I would like to without leaving.And I definitely don’t feel comfortable being somewhere that I can’t at least drive to them if something happened. So, there goes the hope I had of living together soon.
- Deployment. I have tried for the past two years to prepare myself for that word but I apparently did an awful job. I knew it was coming soon but I still was not prepared for it. I am beyond terrified for it.
All of these things ran through my mind and I completely flipped out. Part of me was happy for Taylor. I know this is what he wanted and is excited to do. Hawaii is a really pretty place to visit! I am excited that I get to go explore it with him. I tried my best to hide my anxieties and fears from him but I still went to sleep with tears covering my pillow that night.
The next day I talked to my mom. I talked to my best friend. I talked to my childhood best friend. I talked with a member at my gym who also doubles as a good friend. I talked to Taylor later in the day and I realized these things:
- I am truly happy for Taylor. The one thing I never want to do is hold him back. I never want him to look at me and feel like I held him back. I don’t ever want him to be 80 years old and regret not going to Hawaii because I preferred another base. This is what he wants in life and I am happy that his dreams are coming true for him. Believe me, I truly am.
- It is okay that my original plans to move in are going to be held off for a while. I always preach that I have to settle myself first before I start a life with him and now I have some extra wiggle room to do so. Life does not always go as we plan and that. is. okay.Besides that, Hawaii is not forever. He’s not going there to permanently stay. One day, he will be stationed somewhere else and maybe when that time comes I will be at a good place in life to go with. However, that does not need to be rushed in any way.I don’t want to grow up too fast either. I don’t want Taylor to have to grow up too fast. Just like I don’t want to hold Taylor back from moving to Hawaii, I don’t want to hold him back from being young and reckless with his friends on weekends. I want him to experience the military and experience the fun of living with his military buddies. I want him to live. And when the time is right, we can live together.
During my talk with my mom, she looked at me and said, “What do I always say? Everything happens for a reason.”
- I get to go to Hawaii for God’s sake. I get to take my mom to Hawaii and give her that experience which is something we probably would not have done if we didn’t have a reason to. I am blessed in that aspect.
- He will be deployed but it will be okay. Lots of people go through this and it is okay. Everything. Will. Be. Okay.
I have a tendency to let my anxiety take over. I am very much a “get it done now” kind of girl. I like plans. I like having things set and in order so when life throws a curveball I freak out and really my fears weren’t that pressing. I am afraid I am probably not the only one that has this much anxiety.
But when life shakes things up you have to breathe. Talk to someone. Look at the positives. Get an outside perspective that you trust and get several of them. Life is not all doom and gloom and there is always a beautiful side to look at. But you have to make the choice to look at the positives. You attract what you are. Make the choice to attract positivity.